Book #14

I finished book #14, Homer’s The Odyssey. It was interesting, and quite readable. I’m still slogging my way through David Copperfield, though. Nearly halfway.

In other news, I think my parents have finally guessed that my sexual preferences are not typical. This is kind of intended, since I have been dropping hints, but still: omigodomigodomigodomigod.

New Year’s Resolutions: Quarterly Review #2

1. Get fit

Well the fitness programme went out the window. I have however been cycling for at least 30 minutes most days for the last two months. My legs are looking rather good though I say so myself (builders, council workers, friends, and demented old ladies all agree with me on this), and my cardiovascular fitness has also improved noticeably. My upper body strength is still pretty much nonexistent though. I have good intentions of going to the pool, but they haven’t borne fruit yet. Perhaps I will get some weights.

2. Read 20 books

I have still only finished 11 books this year (12 if you include Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) and am therefore slightly ahead of  schedule. I do however have four books on the go at the moment , so will be a bit more comfortably ahead once these are done.

3. Come out of the closet

Well since I last posted I have come out to a few more friends/acquaintances and housemates. Well not so much come out directly but dropped heavy hints while at London Pride. It was quite an experience. I shut my eyes and all I see are rainbows everywhere and I can still hear the whistles in my brain. It was immense.

4. Move home

Done! Well I found a better room to rent, rented it and moved in a couple of months ago. However now my landlord wants to demolish it to build flats so although this goal is done, I’m going to have to do it again before the year is out. Sigh. At least I can tick one goal off the list though.

5. Get my jaw fixed

Well I went to the GP, and he said that he can’t refer me to oral surgery, my dentist has to do it. My dentist doesn’t speak much English and I don’t speak whatever language he speaks (something slavic sounding, but not Russian or Ukrainian; I’d recognise those). So I changed dentists, which turned out to be a good move because my new dentist not only speaks the same language as me but also gave an all round better service, which was good. But, he will only refer me to an orthodontist, not to oral surgery. And since I am an adult, I can’t get orthodontic care on the NHS, and all the orthodontists in my town charge ~£100 per consultation. So basically I have to pay £100 to look in my mouth, tell me they can’t help me and then refer me on to someone who can, which my GP could have done in the first place about 5 months ago. Bah humbug.

So in conclusion, the only goal I’m on target with is moving house, which is done. I’m behind on all the others, but not too upset as I do seem to be making progress, be it rather slow.

Pride

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sigmaration/233499524/

I totally went to a pride parade the other week. I felt a bit of a fraud because I’m only out to a few friends and my brother at this point – hardly proud if I haven’t had the guts to tell my parents, my employers or my extended family yet. There were a lot of photos taken and I was slightly concerned that I’d end up in the local paper which would be a bit hard to explain at work, but I didn’t.

It was so bizarre to be somewhere and feel just the same as everyone else, not different or in camouflage at all. Is this what other people feel like all the time?

(Since my last post I came out to one more friend and a whole bunch of acquaintances and strangers. It now only involves minor awkwardness on my part rather than paralysing terror and hysterical weeping. Progress.)

A quick update

I have been crap at blogging lately, other priorities have taken over. But I have made some good progress on some of my goals.

I have read four more books:

#8. The Night Watch by Sarah Waters

#9. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck

#10. Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

#11. Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell.

I have completed one goal entirely: I have moved house.

I have also come out to one more person. It was my first relatively “causal” coming out, I just dropped it into normal conversation without premeditating it, crying hysterically, or crashing my car (I was driving at the time). Other comings out have all involved copious amounts of weeping on my part.

I have also been on a couple of long (for me!) cycle rides to try and get fitter.

New Years Resolutions: Quarterly Review #1

1. Get fit

Number of exercise programmes attempted: 1

Number of exercise programmes completed: 0

Number of bicycle punctures: 1

Progress: Poor.

2. Read 20 books

Number of books read: 8

Number of books enjoyed: 7

Progress: Good. Ahead of schedule.

3. Come out of the closet

Number of friends come out to this year: 2

Number of family members come out to this year: 0

Number of hours spent stressing about sexuality: Far too many.

Progress: Behind schedule, but progressing.

4. Move home

Number of rent increases in current home: 1

Number of pounds saved for deposit: £33,000

Number of pounds needed for deposit on something decent in this town on current salary: £85,000

Number of pounds left to save: £52,000

Number of rental rooms viewed: 1

Number of tenancy agreements signed: 0

Times moved home: 0

Progress: Not much.

5. Get my jaw fixed

Number of GP visits re: jaw: 1

Number of dentist visits re: jaw: 0

Number of NHS dentists that speak enough English to explain jaw problem: 0

Number of referrals to maxillofacial surgery: 0

Progress: Poor.

I can’t count the people I’ve come out to on one hand!

Now I have to use both!

I came out to two good friends last night. The first time I have talked to anyone about this in more than two years. They were both really supportive. It’s not fear of their reactions that made it so hard, it’s something inside me. I’m really messed up.

One of these days I’ll be able to come out without crying.

On a separate note, while on the phone to my mum, she used the phrase “and if you get a partner” in a rather boring conversation about the cost of living and the necessity of working full time when I’d rather cut my hours. That’s interesting because it’s the first time she’s ever used that phrase in more than twenty years. It’s always been “when/if you get married” before. I wonder if she suspects, or if she merely thinks I may wish to cohabit with an opposite sex partner. Either way, it’s a big change, and encouraging.

I’m being stupid…

I crush on men at the rate of less than one per year.

I crush on women at the rate of about one per week.

I should totally just come out of the closet already. Statistically, my chances of ending up with a man, making my parents very happy and having 2.4 cute little kids are only very fractionally higher than 0%.

Is it normal for lesbians to have man crushes? What the hell am I?

That is all.

Darnit!

I have been busy psyching myself up to try and sign up for a gay walking group, or tell one of my friends I want to date girls, or something, but there’s always a complication.

My (male) crush just turned up again. I’ve only seen him once in the past few months; he was with his girlfriend then. We’re on different ends of a large, loose network of friends. Not only has he shown up again, his girlfriend appears to have totally vanished from his life, filling me with all kinds of (probably false) hope.

It has also forced me to confront reality; I cannot claim to be 100% gay. Though they may be few and very far between, there are guys I really quite fancy, leaving the tantalising hope of an easy superficially hetero life. Marriage, kids, the whole shebang. Everything I dreamed of when I was a little child.

But even if 1 in 10 of the people I fancy are male (I should really keep a tally or something), what of the other 90%? What about being honest about who I really am?

Finding my people

I’ve decided I need to meet more gay people. Part of the issue is I’m really not comfortable myself about being open about my sexuality. If I’m not comfortable, how can I expect others to be? And how can I deal with any negative reactions they may have?

So, I am on a mission to go make some new gay friends. Hopefully if I hang out with other people like me I won’t feel like such a freak. But how to find them? I have been thinking about this and come up with a few ideas (in no particular order):

Come out of the closet

Warning: Posts on this topic are going to include a lot of self-indulgent and frankly rather emo whining from someone who is in most areas insanely privileged. Continue at your peril. As I appreciate that this might be pretty irritating, I have added some handy dandy tabs at the top of this blog that allows you to view only posts in one category, so you can screen out the angst, should you so choose. Otherwise, read on…